upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
