i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
