apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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