Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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