You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
