remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I cockslap morals
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
