How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
