I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
