If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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