so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
She's just so happy...and so naked.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
