OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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