Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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