Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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