I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
