i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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