I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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