Michael Bay diarrhea
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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