She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
