Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
