before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
why is half of my head shaved?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
