How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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