Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
