"it" just moved
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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