she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
