My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
