I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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