She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
