I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Are my feet made of real feet?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
