I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
