Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
