God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Randomize
