I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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