I just made out with a guy for $7.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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