Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
