Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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