oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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