I think my fart just growled at me.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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