the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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