I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
