he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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