I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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