I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
