neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
