My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
