sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
