took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
