It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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