I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
