Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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