You don't have asthma, your pregnant
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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