I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
