i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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