Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
