put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
