Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
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