I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
