he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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